Law Makers, Lobbyists, and planners:

I’ve stopped watching commercial Television and listening to radio shouting out justifications for bogus realities put into place by the puppets who obey without question.  I used to turn a blind eye and deaf ear to naysayers and conspiracy theorists, but look who’s writing now!

Who benefits most from the massive denial of simple medications?  Remedies for unbearable pain, say a broken bone or an abscessed tooth?

                Maybe the heroine trade???  Drug Dealers; Black Marketeers’.

Okay, who benefits from denying Highly Sensitive People who have mistakenly chosen the path of anti-depressants to quash the discomforts of living in a brutal world without special training?

                Rehab clinics; jails; prisons; and the thinning of non-workforce population through untimely deaths???

I have observed the attitudes of the 25 to 40 year old population over the past decade to be that today’s seniors are stealing the entitlements believed to be their own.  The media continues spewing garbage about the growing population of baby boomers (1945-1964) and the strain on Social Security and Medicare.  No one is talking about the decline in births as being a sign of social maturing and the natural progression of responsible civilization.

This “over-population” of seniors has been projected by statisticians for at least 50 years and is a predicted and temporary phase of social evolution.  The only shortages in this country are those of rational, intelligent, and honest individuals who would point out the inequities and grotesque corruption of US and world economics.

The idealist intentions behind the “Free-Trade” agreements flooding world economics are efforts toward world peace and the elimination of poverty.  World peace and quality of life could come into being in about 50 years, after the gluttons who pull the strings get tired of stealing from the masses and realize that the health of the entire world is a much greater treasure than the competition to own the most possession or to abuse the most power in their whimsical compulsions for self fulfillment.

Here is the thing: I am not obsolete, irrelevant, or a waste of oxygen because I am different; I don’t fit into a fast-food, assembly line box.  Though I may not fit into this gross version of civilization, there is a much bigger world outside, beyond the exponentially greedy, excessive, wasteful US borders.  Nature is balance.  Non-robot personalities help to balance out the destruction and hatred poured into this world daily by the unaware masses.

I realize that these words are heated and actually it is that heat that has inspired this energy that strokes these keys right now.  My search for security and healthcare over the past 2 ½ years has seemed so futile and pointless.  I have seen too many NP’s in their late 20’s or early 30’s who have no clue of what they are doing or desire to do what they are employed to do.

The most recent failure of services I have experienced was provided by the Peak View Behavior Health Outpatient Clinic here in Colorado Springs, CO.  Out of shear desperation to find help (after a self-sabotaged suicide attempt [this brought on by the denial primary and mental health services in the area, plus the attempt to treat the HC virus (contracted through blood transfusions in the mid 1980’s)]) I met with a wonderfully competent NP there who explained to me that Adderall and Xanax can’t be prescribed together.  She said I had to choose one and cold-turkey the other.  I believed this care provider and trusted the reasonability of this new change in protocol as being a risk for heart disease or malfunction.  However, my research has yet to turn up any evidence to support these claims given by more than one medication prescription writer.

I have taken the Adderall to help me function during low-energy periods [or the dark abyss of despair which comes from losing everything I once used to define myself in this world] when my next step seems unclear and my path too littered with obstacles and barriers to move forward.  The Adderall can lead to sleep deprivation even when taken as prescribed, and in conjunction with healthy diet and exercise regimes.  Xanax, for my system, offers a bridge into sleep when taken as prescribed and not misused, and is the most effective remedy I know of to treat the most severe anxiety attacks.

My doctor of almost 2 decades prescribed Adderall, only after all antidepressant combos had proven to be ineffective and side effects intolerable, and with my own extensive research in this area of health to treat Treatment-Resistant Major Depressive Dissorder.  This combination of drugs hasn’t been ideal but has helped me to function adequately for about 5 years now with few side effects and no known interaction issues.

Though it was intended to be only a temporary solution while I worked to develop a lifestyle which would support my sensitivities and allow me function more proficiently without drugs completely, my life is still unstable; I am vulnerable to bullies, petulant law enforcement officers, property owners/managers, and for the most part, rejected by most social subcultures due to social anxiety and a very damaged self-esteem.

If I were to stop taking the Adderall, I would not be able clean house, bathe, shop for groceries, or continue work on lifestyle foundational structures.  If I were to stop taking Xanax, I would be risking sleep deprivation and the insanity likely to follow.

This last healthcare experience was one of about 10 efforts to manage my own health over the past 15 months.  I checked with the pharmacist about the interactions associated with Xanax and Adderall.  He said that since I take one in the morning and the other at night, that there should be no interaction issues.

The next day, I saw a different NP.  She was in her late 20’s or early 30’s and had an obvious God complex.  She was combative and void of both reason and compassion.  It seemed like she was trying to provoke me into a violent reaction, seeing my fragile state, which would give her the power to have me locked up in the mental hospital, which returns a much higher rate of billing fees, but instead I just suffered a severe anxiety attack.  Thankfully, the very competent and reasonable R-Nurse came to my rescue, urged me to go ahead and take one of the Xanax pills I had brought in (3 1/2 pills left in the bottle).  I was able to restore my calm after sitting in the safe office space of the R-Nurse for a few minutes.

Several days later, I met the doctor, director of medicine for the Outpatient Clinic, who also wanted to drag me through another painful path of medication inefficacy and all of the terrifying side effects each combination casts through the mind and body.  The doctor seemed to have the same attitudes and lack of healing qualities as the second NP I saw.  I was so baffled and angry I left.

When I returned home, I realized that my cell phone had slipped out of my pocket somewhere at the clinic.  I drove back and found it in the group therapy room.  The group was still in session and asked me to stay, try to work through the challenges which had me so upset.  I felt so grateful to, and supported by my peers.

The therapist leading the group suggested that I discuss the problem with the clinic director.  She was available to meet and we talked for about 5 minutes.  She seemed truly void of anything resembling humanity or any give-a-shit at all.  Another bust.

I returned home again, my mind spinning with confusion and disbelief.  I drank myself to sleep, not knowing how else to process this unacceptable paradox.

Two days later, I still couldn’t process any solution.  I texted a new neighbor who I thought might understand and asked her to meet with me for support.  She was so wonderful, also an HSP, just sitting with her for an hour helped to change my perspectives significantly.  I slept well that night and felt hopeful and inspired the following day.

There may be nothing I can do change this ridiculous healthcare-protocol-cancer but I can choose to stop buying into this population-extermination trend in healthcare denial and find my own remedies which will allow me survive in this toxic society without being sucked down into the tar pit of apathy and bitterness.

This post is horribly written, just like the mood it was written in.  I am angry and mortified in knowing that there are millions in this country suffering the same blind ignorance and apathy by our healthcare system.  I would not normally post such negative ideas, but this post is a tiny doorway to regaining my own personal balance in the world, just as it is right now, so that I can continue on my journey to the Beautiful Minds Ranch.

Helpful comments are encouraged and thank you for reading.